


please don't leave

by itisjosh



Series: change won't come if we don't begin [20]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Crying, Depression, Escape, Exhaustion, Fear, Gen, Gods, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Music, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Reincarnation, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Separation Anxiety, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Thoughts, Support, Trauma, aftermath of war, sort of ;)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:55:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27127534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itisjosh/pseuds/itisjosh
Summary: "Can't you tell that he's terrified?""Leave him alone. Give him time. He's healing. We all are.""You're fucking scaring him. Get out of my house, or I'm going to start firing."
Relationships: Dave | Technoblade & Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Jschlatt & Wilbur Soot, Niki | Nihachu & Wilbur Soot, Wilbur Soot & Phil Watson
Series: change won't come if we don't begin [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1939360
Comments: 100
Kudos: 815





	1. let me come home

Wilbur feels a raging pain in his chest, agony washing over him. He reaches out, blinded by something. He tries to fight it, tries to get back to L'manberg. He has to, he has to get back, he's got to. He can't get taken away from it, he has to go back. He has to save Tommy, he has to save Tubbo and Techno and Niki, and- and...he gasps for air, feeling himself go underwater. He chokes, trying his best to keep his eyes open, but everything hurts so much. He closes his eyes, seawater filling his lungs. It's such a difference from the flames that had been at his feet seconds ago, racing up to his throat. He can't be here. He's drowning. Wilbur is drowning. He tries to fight, tries to thrash out and scream, but it's useless. His friends are all dead, they're dead because of him. 

At least he'll be with them soon. 

Wilbur feels arms wrap around him, warmth rushing through his body. The water floods out of his lungs, pours out of his mouth. He leans into the warmth, closing his eyes. He hears music. Music? He has to be back home..why is he back home? The only place he's ever heard this kind of music was at home. The music in L'manberg was different, the music in Pogtopia was different. The music sings to him, a soft, lulling voice in his head. He's so warm. Why isn't he cold? He was so cold. He feels himself shaking, his stomach heaving. He's so sick. What's wrong with him? Why did he..why..

 _Tommy_. 

He has to get back home, Wilbur has to go back to L'manberg. He can't stay here, he can't, he can't. He has to save his brothers, he has to save his friends, his family. He has to, after what he did, after what he..but if he couldn't have L'manberg, no one could. Schlatt couldn't take it from him, Schlatt couldn't. But he did, he did, and Wilbur had to get it back, but he couldn't, and now he's here, and he doesn't know where Tommy or Techno is and Niki isn't with him and Eret is gone and so is Tubbo and-

"Shhh," a voice whispers, sound so much like his dad. "It's alright, Will. I've gotcha. You're okay," it has to be Phil, it has to be. Wilbur feels himself start to sleep, tears pouring down his face. He's cold again. Why is he so, so cold? "You're okay, Wilbur. You're safe, you're safe now. Everyone is okay. It's alright." Wilbur sniffles, burying his face in his dad's shoulder, wishing that he had died in that explosion. Phil sounds like he's lying, is he lying? Is he lying to him? Why would he? But..but Tommy lied to him, Techno lied to him, Tubbo was always lying, he always had been. Wilbur had trusted Eret, and Eret had lied. Niki had lied to him, about everything! Everyone lied to him, they're all liars, they're all liars, all of them, not a single one of them ever told the truth, never, not-

"You're okay," Phil murmurs, his arms tightening around Wilbur's torso. "I love you, Wilbur."

Wilbur breaks. 

He sobs, a hollow feeling in his chest. He's so scared. Fear replaces that hollowness a second later, his heart screaming at him to run, to go back to save them, to..to..Wilbur is so scared. He cries into Phil's shoulder, shaking so hard. "I'm so sorry," he whispers, hands trembling. "I'm so sorry, dad, I'm so sorry, I fucked it all," he laughs, the smell of saltwater crashing over him. Blood and smoke follow, swirling in his lungs. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Will," Phil whispers back, holding him closer. "I've got you. You don't have to be sorry. Just be here, okay? We're good. Everything is fine."

"It isn't," Wilbur laughs, the screams of his friends echoing in his head. He watches Tommy get shot through the chest, watches him tumble into the sea. He watches Tubbo get stabbed by Dream, watches Fundy get murdered by George. He watches Niki die, watches Schlatt die. All of that was his fault, wasn't it? All of it was, all of it was. All of the pain, all of the death, all of the hurt and agony and blood, that was all him, right? That was all him. "It's all my fault." Wilbur whispers, trying so hard to stop himself from shaking. 

"It isn't," Phil reassures him. "It's not. You did what you thought you had to. It was war, Wilbur. You got lost. It's okay." 

"It never was," Wilbur feels his world spin, screaming at him to just stop. To stop talking, to stop talking. "I'm so fucking stupid, dad." 

Phil pulls him closer, and Wilbur is eternally grateful for the comfort. "You're not. You're just hurt, Will. We're all hurt. You're gonna be fine. Let's get you inside, alright? You've had a long day. Let's just rest." Wilbur lets Phil pull him to his feet, numbly following him, his world shattering. He remembers the day he was brought to this house. The day that he thought Schlatt was dead. The day he dragged himself through the forest, trying to escape. How funny, he thinks. How funny that this is how it ends, just as it begun. 

* * *

Wilbur saw the way that Techno looked at him. He saw the disgust in his brother's eyes, the way his face contorted into a snarl, disappointment overrunning his features. Wilbur never thought he'd be looked at like that, not by Techno. He saw the way Tommy stared at him, hurt and agony on his face, rage overlapping all of those emotions. He saw the way he turned away, closing him off to the world. He saw the way that Niki looked at him. The way she..the way she looked away, the way she didn't..how she didn't look back. Wilbur closes his eyes, rocking himself back and forth in his bed. It's stupid, but it's a comfort mechanism. Is it? He never was rocked like this when he was a child. He didn't have a childhood. How old was he when the fire happened? Five? Schlatt was six. 

He should have died that night.

Wilbur knows that. It's okay to admit it, he thinks. He shouldn't have lived, he should have died. Schlatt should have never taken notice of him, Schlatt should have let him go up in flames with the rest of his home. He looks down at the Ender Pearl in his hands, moving his fingers over the iris. Phil gave it to him. Maybe his father thinks he's a coward. He is. Wilbur's a fucking piece of shit coward, he's a goddamn, stupid, _coward_. Wilbur closes his eyes, biting down on his lip. He's scared. 

Wilbur remembers telling Tommy that he was scared, that Wilbur could tell that he was scared. But really..had Tommy ever been scared? Wilbur saw him scared once, and that was when he first met him. The day that he was found clutching Tubbo's body, crying and begging Phil to do anything to keep him alive. Wilbur's always been scared. He thinks that ever since the fire, he always has been. He's a fucking coward, and no one ever notices because he's so good with words and playing pretend, but..

He's an excellent conman. That's the only reason anyone ever followed him. It's because he's good at lying through his teeth, good at making people feel things. He's good at convincing everyone else that he's right. Wilbur's got a nice voice, he knows it. And he fucking uses it against everyone he's ever met. He wishes he could stop. He doesn't know how to stop. He wishes he wasn't here. Wilbur wishes a lot of things. None of those things will come true. He fiddles with the Ender Pearl a bit more, watching the green follow his hand like waves. Tommy was too young to fight in a war. Tommy and Tubbo were so young, they were so, so young. They were fifteen when it first started, nearly sixteen. And now they're bordering on seventeen, and..and Wilbur dragged them into another war.

He should have just let Schlatt kill him. It would have stopped so much, it would have kept Tubbo and Tommy together. He's such an idiot. Wilbur pulled Techno into it, only to..only to blow everything up, to change the plan, to do what he "had to do". He had to do it, right? He had to. Wilbur had to, it was the only way. Tommy and Techno were wrong, they could have never gotten L'manberg back, not after everything. That was impossible. It was always an impossible war from the day Wilbur threatened war against Dream. 

Wilbur sets the Ender Pearl on his desk, staring at the window. It's unlocked. Phil never would lock him in. He stands up, legs shaking as he starts to walk towards it. He feels the ground whirl under him, and then he's on the ground, and _fuck_. What did he expect? He can't even do a simple fucking task, but he-

_Tommy isn't safe Tubbo isn't safe Techno isn't safe Niki isn't safe Fundy isn't safe none of them are safe they're hurt they hurting it's his fault and he has to fix it he has to fix it he has to fix-_

The music screams in his ears for a second before it- _no_. He gasps, bunching up his legs as he presses his back against the wall. _No_. The music never stops, it never has. Sometimes it goes quieter, but it never stops, it never stops completely. Wilbur feels the silence start to suffocate him, his chest too heavy, his lungs too weak and small. He can't get enough oxygen he's going to die he's going to die he's going to die-

"You know it takes a lot to move me," he feels his lungs work for a second, his mind clearing. Music. "So if you figure it out, tell me," Wilbur opens his eyes, barely having even realized he closed them. He stares at Phil, who has his old guitar in his hand. "I'll trace figures on your smile lines," Phil sings, low, calmly. Wilbur feels himself breathe again. "Work a formula to cure me," the music, the music that's been with him ever since he was born, starts to come back. He can hear its faint ambiance, echoing behind his dad's words, forming together behind the notes. "And I'm lonely, there, I said it-"

"Nine million people," Wilbur whispers, "I always seem to add them up."

He feels himself start to breathe a little steadier now, but it's still so hard. His body is shaking, his mind's racing. His entire head is filled with thoughts and noises and there's _so much_. "Remember when you first sung that to me?" Phil asks, his voice soft, calm. It's an anchor, a light at sea drawing him back to the real world. Wilbur feels tears rolling down his face, his throat clenching as he tries to form words. "You were about fourteen when you wrote it. It was after you came back from a hunting trip with Techno, where you got trapped when the fire started," Phil reminds him. "I don't think it ever had anything to do with the fire. I think you just needed an outlet."

"Yeah," Wilbur whispers, quietly agreeing. He doesn't know why he wrote it. He doesn't care about it anymore. He doesn't care about a lot of things anymore. He wishes he did. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," Phil scoots closer to him, resting a hand on his leg. "You're gonna be fine, Will. I'm here. I'm never gonna go anywhere."

"They aren't safe," he murmurs. "Everyone isn't safe."

"They're okay."

"They're not."

"They are," Phil tells him. "Tubbo and Tommy are together. Niki and Eret are okay. Fundy's gone to his bunker, and Techno is with Dream. They're all okay, Will. They're all fine. They're safe."

"Safe from me."

"Safe from the war," his dad corrects. "Safe from the war. The only person who needed saving from you is _you_ , Wilbur. You've always been self-destructive."

"I'm sorry."

"It isn't something to be sorry about." 

Wilbur closes his eyes, sniffling. He's so tired. "I hate myself."

"I know."

"I don't think I can stop."  


"It's okay."

"It isn't."

"Not yet. But it will be."

"You're lying."

"I don't lie, Wilbur. Especially not to my kids." 

"That's what everyone else said."

"Am I everyone else?"

"Yes."

Phil nods, quietly standing up. "Do you want me to stay?"

"Please."

"Alright. I love you, Wilbur." _I wish that was true_ , he thinks. 

"I love you, too." He wishes he could stop lying. 

He lets Phil help him back into bed, lets the music fill his ears. 

Wilbur closes his eyes, watching himself and his friends dance behind his eyelids. They were so happy. He watches Niki smile at him, watches Tommy and Tubbo grin and laugh, finally allowed to be the kids they are. He watches Fundy and Eret shove each other, jokingly making threats. 

When was the last time he was happy?

He thought he had been happy when Pogtopia started to make a comeback, when they were on the track to winning.

He thought he had been happy the day they won the war, the day they celebrated with fireworks and dancing and music. 

Wilbur thought he had been happy. 

He'd been lying to himself. 


	2. forever ago

Over the next few days, everything manages to get worse. 

Wilbur clutches the Ender Pearl in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut. He can hear Techno. Techno's here, he's going to kill him, he's going to _kill him._ His own brother is going to murder him and Wilbur knows it and there's nothing he can do and he's so _scared_. His mind screams at him, _panicpanicpanicdangerousdangernotsafepanichelp_ , and there's nothing he can do to make it stop, to make his head stop screaming. 

"I just want to see him for a minute, that's not reasonable? He's my brother, Phil." 

"Can't you tell that he's terrified?" Phil shoots back. "He's scared, Techno. He isn't doing well."

"None of us are doin' well!" Techno shouts, and Wilbur feels himself tighten his grip on the Pearl, biting down harder on his lip. "He's not the only one who's strugglin'. Have you even _seen_ Tommy?" There's a long silence, only filled faintly by the music. "Just..for a minute, okay? That's all I'm askin'." 

"I'll ask," Phil sighs, and Wilbur hears footsteps echoing towards him. He looks up, wishing he could stop fucking crying. What's wrong with him? "Techno's here," Phil murmurs to him, crouching down. He reaches out, taking Wilbur's hands in his own. "He doesn't have to be. I understand if you want me to make him go."

"Please make him leave." Wilbur whispers, fear filling his head. Techno would kill him if he got a chance, Wilbur just knows it. After the way he looked at him, the disgust and disappointment in his eyes, the way..the way he..

Phil's hands are gone from his own, and then he himself is gone, disappearing back through the door where he came from. Wilbur pulls his knees closer to his chest, resting his head on top of them. He scoots closer to his wall, pressed against that and the side of his bed. "Will," he blinks, looking back up at his dad. "Niki's here. I can m-"

"Niki?" He asks, sniffling. Niki lied to him. Everyone else lied to him. But Niki didn't..she didn't look at him like he was useless. She never looks at him like that. "I want to see her." Phil nods, disappearing again. Wilbur rolls the Ender Pearl around in his hands, watching as the green swirls around his fingers, moving like the ocean. He wants to go back to the ocean. He remembers being there once, with his dad and his brothers. He remember laughing, remembers shoving Tommy into the water. Wilbur wishes he was still young. He wishes he had died. 

"Hi, Will," he snaps his head up, looking at Niki. She looks tired. Niki smiles at him, moving to sit next to him. As soon as she does, he can't help but press his face into the side of her neck, tears coming faster now. "You're alright," she promises, wrapping her arms around him as he shifts closer to her. "Everyone is okay. How have you been?"

"E- even Tommy?" Wilbur whispers, refusing to open his eyes. He hears the Pearl clatter to the ground, but that's okay. He's..he's safe here, he knows that. Phil and Niki are here, they're the ones he can trust, he knows that. He knows that. It doesn't make his head stop screaming at him to _runrunrunrunrun_ , but it..it helps. "Techno hates me. You hate me."

Niki makes a noise, running her fingers through his hair. "I don't hate you, Wilbur. I can't hate you. Techno doesn't, either. And Tommy's okay," she murmurs, her voice soothing. The music drops to the same lull as her voice, and it makes him feel warm. It makes him feel safe. "They're all okay. I came here as soon as I could. I needed to make sure you were okay." 

"Why?" He asks, genuine confusion slipping into his voice. "I don't deserve that."

"You deserve all the good things in the world, Will," Niki's tone is final, with just a hint of warning that makes Wilbur not want to question it. "Has Phil been taking care of you?"

"He..yeah," he breathes out, focusing on the fingers in his hair, the music playing behind his ears. "I need to make sure they're safe, Niki. It's my responsibility, he..they're my family. I can't let them die. I have to make sure they're okay, I have to-" Wilbur starts to move, starts to push himself up. He feels arms dragging him back, his legs buckling back underneath of him. "Niki, let me go. Niki, I- I have to find- Niki, please, I have to find them, I have to make sure..I have to.."

"Shh," Niki murmurs. "They're okay. They're all fine, Wilbur. I made sure of it before I came here, okay? Everyone is fine. They're okay. Is the music back? Phil told me it was gone for a few minutes." 

Wilbur closes his eyes, focusing on the music. "It's back," he confirms. "I'm scared, Niki. I'm never going to be able to see them again, am I?"

"You will," she promises. "You will. We all need time, Will. It's been hard. You'll see your brothers again, I promise. When you're ready, you'll see them." 

"I think you're lying to me."

"I think you're lying to yourself."

"I am," Wilbur snorts, heaving a sigh. "I've been lying to myself ever since I came to Dream's world. I've been lying to everyone, Niki. It hasn't just been you. It hasn't just been me. But you're lying, too. You're lying, too. Everyone lies. We all do. I can't trust anyone, Niki, I can't. I know I can't, but I'm so scared, I'm so scared. They're not safe and it's because of me, and I'm not safe and it's _my_ fault, and I'm _so scared_." 

Niki nods, the music spiking suddenly. "I'm scared, too, Will. It's okay to be scared. But the war's over," Niki hums. "The war is over. Everything is over. Now, we just have to heal."

"I don't think I'll heal."

"You will." 

"I hate myself too much to heal."

"I know. I'm so sorry that there isn't much I can do."

"It's okay. I.." Wilbur closes his eyes, listening to the rhythm of Niki's heart. "I'm so tired, Niki." 

Niki holds him a little closer, hair falling over his face. "I know, Will. Do you get nightmares?"

"I can't sleep because of them."

"Do you want me to stay with you? I know that helps."

Wilbur nods, pulling himself away from her. "Please do." 

* * *

He's restless, he knows that much. Wilbur's so tired, he's so exhausted. Nightmares plague him even when he's awake, so why is it so hard to fall asleep? Niki makes a noise next to him, turning on her side. Wilbur swears he can hear Techno and Tommy laughing downstairs, Phil jokingly telling them to be quiet so he can sleep. But his brothers..they, they hate him. Niki lied to him about that much. He knows that they hate him, he knows it. After everything he did..he would never forgive himself, either. He doesn't think he'll be able to. 

Wilbur quietly listens to the music, wondering why he's the only one who can hear it. Phil never was able to, Techno couldn't, Tommy and Tubbo weren't able to. Schlatt never heard it, either, and he doesn't think that Niki can hear it. He's had the music with him for his entire life. Even when Schlatt rescued him, he still heard it. It just got so much louder, so much stronger, when he came here. When Phil adopted him. He gasps when it cuts out suddenly, his entire world going silent. He can feel his heart start to race, his head screaming at him that he isn't safe. Wilbur clutches onto the mattress, humming a broken tune to keep himself level. 

"Will?" 

"It's gone." He whispers.

Niki seems to get the hint. She always manages to get the hint, she's so fucking smart. She hums, softly singing words that Wilbur can't quite make out. Little by little, he feels his heart slow, his mind going quiet again. All he can hear his her words, her voice, her music. After a few minutes he starts to breathe properly again, terror loosening its grip on him. He's okay. Niki stops for a second, and he can hear the background symphony, the music that's always been there. "Will?"

"I'm okay," he murmurs. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Niki turns to face him, pulling him in for a hug. "You've got no reason to be sorry. Do you know why it leaves?"

"Um.." Wilbur wipes a stray tear away from his face. "I think it happens when I start to..when I start to spiral. Um, when I freak out. I'm so tired, Niki. I just want to sleep."

"I know an old lullaby," Niki smiles, he can hear it in her voice. "I don't know if you'll understand the words."

Wilbur smiles back at her, even if she can't see it. She's always been so steady, she's always been his rock, his anchor. His partner, someone who _understands_. "That's okay. I..I'd like to hear it." So Niki sings, soft and touching. It's different from the music here, it's different from anything he's ever heard before. Wilbur closes his eyes, feeling himself start to slip. He's so scared. He's terrified of the nightmares, he's terrified that he's going to wake up and Niki will be gone. He focuses on her heart, on her words. 

Wilbur sleeps, dreamlessly. 

* * *

Niki leaves. 

It's been a little over a month, and she said that she'd come back to check in on him. That he could write letters to her whenever he wanted, and she'd always respond. Wilbur knows that it's true, he..he's been working on himself. He knows the basics, who he can trust and who he can't. He can trust Phil and Niki, they don't lie to him. Maybe they never had. Tommy and Techno are enemies, they hate him. Maybe not as much as he thought, but Wilbur knows he can't trust them, not yet. Dream hasn't reached out and doesn't seem like he will, so Wilbur tries his best not to worry about him. Schlatt and Quackity are..

He doesn't know. 

Wilbur wants to trust Schlatt, he _wants to so badly_. But he knows that he can't, he knows that he shouldn't. He still can't help from wishing it, though. He wishes that he had been smarter, that he had looked harder. Maybe if he hadn't been such a stupid fucking idiot he-

 _No_. Wilbur breathes out, forcing himself to remember that it wasn't his fault. But it was, wasn't it? If he had seen Schlatt-

 _Stop_.

If he had seen Schlatt, none of this would of happened. But he was too stupid to look, wasn't he? He's such a fucking idiot, he's worthless-

_Pleasestoppleasestopplease-_

_He's useless, worthless. A waste of breath, a waste of air. Just some piece of shit excuse for a person who got so lucky, who never ever deserved any of the good things that happened to him. Wilbur should have died in that fire and he knows it, he should have died the day he was born, he should have never been born he's so fucking stupid he's so useless what the fuck is wrong with him why is he still here why is he still-_

Wilbur sobs. He isn't sure what inside of him breaks, but it happens. He curls up on himself, trying his best to listen to the music, to let it fill his mind, to let it chase out his thoughts. He still has to help his brothers, even if they hate him. Even if they hate him and would kill him, Wilbur has to, he has to. They're his family, they're his brothers, he can't let them die. Tommy and Tubbo are so young, they're so fragile and they aren't careful and _fuck, they're going to die_. 

Wilbur pulls his knees up to his chest, trying to hide his sniffles. It doesn't work, Phil still shows up. He leans into his dad's arms, wishing that he had done so many things differently. 

"Hey, Will."

"I'm sorry."

"It isn't your fault," Phil murmurs. "Would you like to come to Endlantis? I've heard that its waters are calming." Wilbur closes his eyes, rocking himself back and forth.

"Okay," he whispers. "Are they ever going to come back?"

"They will," Phil promises. "They're healing."

"Because of me."

"Because of the war."

"Which was caused by me."

Phil makes a noise from the back of his throat. "No. It was caused by Schlatt. It wasn't and it isn't your fault," he murmurs. "Go to sleep, Wilbur. I'll be here when you wake up."

So he does. 


	3. sad lullaby

~~_Hello, Tommy._ ~~

~~_Hi, Tommy. It's been a lo ng time_ ~~

~~_Hey Tommy I'm so sorry I'm so sorry im so sorry im so sorr_ ~~

Wilbur puts down the pen, his hands shaking. "Fuck," he whispers, closing his eyes. The music hums faintly, quietly reassuring him. Wilbur turns to look away from the letter, feeling sick to his stomach. He's so fucking..he can't believe he thought he could do it. He can't believe he thought he could finally do it. It's barely been four months since L'manberg blew up, and he's still so pathetic. It's fucking stupid, he's so fucking stupid and pathetic and useless, and..and-

Wilbur screams when he hears something like an explosion rattle off in the distance. He pushes himself away from the desk, scrambling back, hitting a wall that he didn't know was there. _Where is he?_ Wilbur doesn't know, he doesn't know, there's no one around and he's alone and he just blew up L'manberg and everyone hates him everyone hates him Tommy hates him he-

There's another explosion, and he sobs, curling up in on himself, digging his nails into his legs. Wilbur chokes on another sob, shaking harder than he ever as. He has to get out of here, he has to go find Tommy and Tubbo and Techno. They're not safe, they aren't safe. Where's Niki and Fundy? Where are they? Where's his little champion, where's his Niki? Where's his little brother and his older brother? Where are they? Where are they? Where is he? 

The music is angry and loud and drowning, and he's drowning, he's drowning, all of his life flashes before his eyes. Water pools in his lungs and he's choking and he's dying and Wilbur is going to die, he is finally going to die. No, not right now, he can't, he can't die. Schlatt is still alive, he has to protect them. He has to protect them from Schlatt. If he doesn't save them, no one will, and he has to, he has to save them, he has to. Wilbur's the only one who can save them and he has to he has to save them he has to-

Another explosion, this time it's closer. Wilbur was so sure that it was supposed to stop by now, why hasn't it stopped? Why isn't it stopping? He feels himself scream when the music disappears, but he doesn't hear it. He doesn't hear anything, it's so quiet, it's so quiet and he's going insane he's losing his mind he's losing his fucking mind. Wilbur sobs into his legs, feeling nothing but burning numbness and flames licking at his arms and his back. He feels Schlatt's arms around his waist and stomach as he carries him away from the village, and then they're running away, and they're..and Schlatt is on the ground, and he's dying, and he's..

But he isn't, he's not dead, he's not dead. He isn't dead, he's alive, and Wilbur has to kill him. Wilbur has to kill him, Wilbur _has_ to. Schlatt can't be alive, not anymore, he can't live. He's evil and bad and wrong and so is Wilbur, but Wilbur is the only one who can save them. He has to save them, he has to protect them. No one else can save them from him, but who is he saving them from? Schlatt or himself? Who is he saving? Do they need saving? Why? Why? What's wrong with him? Why is no one saving him? 

And all at once, the music comes back. There's screaming and howling and explosions and more screaming, but there's music. The music is screaming, it's burrowing in his chest, it's killing him. The music is trying to kill him, it's trying to..it's trying..he has to..he can't..

"Wilbur!" 

"Cover his ears!"

"What are you doing?" 

"It's the thunder, it's a flashback, it's-"

A fourth explosion sends him back to the screaming in his head, the whirlwind of his thoughts. He thought he could reach back out, that he could get his support and his saviour, but he can't. No one is coming to save him, he's all alone, he's all alone and he's going to die and they're going to die and it's all his fault and he's so pathetic and this is all his fault and it's all his fault and it's all-

Silence. 

His ears stop ringing, the gentle lullaby calls to him from the darkness, beckoning him to rest. Wilbur outstretches his hand, standing on wobbly legs. He falls as soon as he stands, his chin hitting the ground. Waves of pain roll through his body, but they're not important. His heart is slowing, he can feel it stopping. He feels so much, he feels everything. Every bit of ground under him, every bit of the fabric on his body. He feels his skin and his blood and his organs, and he wants to tear them to pieces. He wants to tear himself to pieces until he's dead and there's nothing left. 

Wilbur breathes. 

He opens his eyes. 

Wilbur stares out at the ocean in front of him, looking past that. There's a coastal village right on the beach that he can barely make out. There's a windmill in the centre, mountains further back. It's gorgeous, and all he can see are silhouettes. He's never been here before, not even in his dreams. Where is he? Why is he here? Wilbur takes a step forward, frowning when he feels his foot go straight into water. The ocean is warm, and salt fills his lungs for a second. It's..familiar. It feels like home. It feels safe, _he_ feels safe. 

He takes a step back, feeling warm sand underneath his feet. Everything feels warm, he feels safe and content. Wilbur blinks, shaking his head for a second. He can't dwell on that, he needs to stop thinking about how safe he feels. He needs to figure out _why_ he feels like that, since he sure are hell wasn't feeling safe a few minutes ago. "Phil?" He asks, turning around to face an endless beach. "Niki?" Wilbur calls out, listening to his voice echo around the beach. He turns back to face the ocean, watching as the waves change from deep blue to cerulean, washing up on the shore, taking white sand with it. 

"Not quite," a voice says from behind him, sounding eerily similar to his own. Wilbur turns to face it, staring at a near-direct copy of himself. "Hi," the man says, his voice deeper and softer than his own. "I've been wondering when you would show up, Wilbur."

"What?" Wilbur reaches for a weapon, for anything he can get his hands on, but he finds nothing. 

"Don't worry," the man laughs, ducking his head. His eyes crinkle at the sides. They're the colour of molten amber, flecks of pale gold strewn about. "I'm not here to hurt you. I wouldn't do that to you, trust me," the man's voice is reassuring and gentle, and Wilbur feels inclined to do as he says. "My name is-" the man's words are cut off into snarls and growls and noises that make Wilbur's ears bleed. "Oh, right, I- my apologies." The man breathes out.

"I'm the God of the skies, Wilbur Soot. And we're one in the same."


End file.
